In a final and possibly doomed attempt to save North Pole Special Delivery Services Inc., the company’s CEO, Mr Claus, known to his staff simply as “Santa”, appeared before the US Congress earlier this week in a last-ditch effort to get a $50 billion bailout for the once thriving holiday season delivery service. Before his appearance on Capitol Hill, Mr Claus made a statement to journalists, saying:
“Yo-Ho-Ho!”
“Unless congress agrees to the bailout, the Holiday Season will be over right now! Yo-Ho-Ho!”
“Children will wake on Christmas morning to empty stockings and a yawning space beneath the Christmas tree. Yo-Ho-Ho!”
“T’is the season for bailouts. Yo-Ho-Ho!”
Congress Unimpressed
Unfortunately Mr Claus’ scare tactics didn’t have much impact on Capitol Hill. He faced intense questioning and severe criticism from both sides of the house.
A Democrat from Delaware wanted to know “Why Mr Claus had flown to Washington by private sleigh instead of using a more public form of transport ?” A Republican from South Carolina asked tough questions about North Pole’s excessive pensions and health care costs – the result of deals negotiated with the UEW (Union of Elf Workers). Several congressmen questioned whether America really needed a Holiday Season Delivery business, when clearly, the same service could be provided with much greater efficiency by Japanese delivery operators.
A Pennsylvania Democrat made sarcastic comments about the outsourcing of some of North Pole’s reindeer operations to so-called “efficient” German reindeer (Donner und Blitzen, GmbH.) and another noted that the vast majority of toys delivered by North Pole were, in fact, manufactured in China. Why would American tax-payers want to bail out foreign companies? A Democrat from Maine, quoting a report from the EPA, was critical of the high carbon footprint of the North Pole’s HQ and suggested that the ecological pressure on polar bears might be due almost entirely to Mr Claus’s operation.
Meanwhile, a California Democrat claimed that the company had been irresponsible in locating its operation in such a northerly location (against all sensible ecological advice). He claimed that the company would likely be back again in the future, requesting further funding when its HQ became threatened with inundation. A Republican from Alaska claimed to be able to see North Pole Inc. from her house.
By the end of the day, it was clear that no consensus had emerged that would support a bailout and Mr Claus waved sadly to the press, as he boarded his sleigh and headed back North.
Breaking News!!!
In a surprise announcement from the White House, President Bush, revealed today that he would be making $50 billion available to North Pole Special Delivery Services Inc from what remains of the $700 billion TARP funds. In a parallel move, White House staff released “taking points” to the press that listed the “many achievements of the Bush Presidency.” The talking points consisted of a long list of one:
President George W Bush Rescued Christmas
Now that Xmas has been nationalized by the us government, does that mean bush will start coming out with irrelevant and bizaare comments like Santa’s ho ho ho? How will the world deal with a world leader who behaves like that?
Commentators believe that people will now stop throwing shoes at Bush. Instead they’ll throw stockings…